Isn’t it crazy how when you have something on your mind then all of a sudden, it’s everywhere? When I signed in to Bloglovin’ yesterday morning, I was preparing myself for the usual hilarious confessional posts, and I got some of those. What I wasn’t prepared for were several posts on people who are struggling with their weight or self image. People whom I would never have even thought had that problem at all.
You see, I have had this post set up in my drafts for quite some time, never really wanting to hit the publish button. It dawned on me while reading other posts yesterday that we are all hard on ourselves.
Sometimes when I look in the mirror I get angry. Or sad. I have struggled with my weight my entire life. It has never been easy for me to stay fit. We can blame it on bad genes, past illnesses or temporary physical disabilities but at the end of the day it is what it is. Most of my adult life I have been “overweight” according to medical charts. There was a time that I was bordering “obese.” Sometimes when I look in the mirror I see normal Nadine, but sometimes I see someone who looks like she is 300 pounds. I have never been anywhere even near 300 pounds, but that is what I see. It is so distorted and so messed up.
I struggle with wanting to be healthy and wanting to be skinny. You see, I used to want to just be skinny and I didn’t care how I got there. Stupid fad diets, meal skipping, working out twice a day, it didn’t matter. I just wanted to be skinny. I thought if I weighed less or wore a smaller size it would make me happy. I don’t think that way anymore. I don’t care about being “skinny” I just want to be healthy and happy in my own skin. To not hate what I see in the mirror every day.
Last summer I had a work out revelation. I quit making excuses and I realized I just needed to start doing something. So I did. I started with the 30 Day Shred then I went to RIPPED in 30. Once I got bored with those I moved on to other things. Yes, I have complete dedication to my 4:30 am work out date with myself Monday through Friday. Hell, I don’t even hate it anymore, and I sort of treat it as my me time. The time that I take to do something completely for myself. (Get out of my head Jillian.)
The thing is, no matter how hard I work out Monday through Friday…it isn’t enough. I know that abs are made in the damn kitchen. Oh how I hate it! I have been pretty good over the last year or so about eating healthy during the week. Sure I have some slip ups here and there, but for the most part I do pretty damn good. The thing is, sometimes I might have a snack or a few bites or a taste of something as I am cooking and not really count it.
And on the weekends? You guys see my weekend posts. Hello, food porn!
I am always going to struggle with food. I have learned that I have to give myself a cheat meal or two on the weekends because I want to live and enjoy my life. I don’t ever want to go on a binge because I restrained myself too far. What I need to remember is that I allow myself to do those cheat meals, so I need to cut out the small bites of stuff here and there that I don’t count.
I have used my fitness pal in the past, but let’s be honest….I never really keep up with it for very long before I get lazy or the food I had isn’t in there and I don’t want to go enter in all the ingredients or what not. I hate tracking every bite that goes in my mouth and it just sucks the life out of me. Plus, there is a fine line that I can cross into obsessed about it and that isn’t healthy.
My point to all this rambling is that I feel with all the fat shaming, skinny shaming, and focus on all the pictures in magazines that are photoshopped and completely fake….we all tend to put a lot of pressure on ourselves. Or at least, I know I do. I see a totally cute outfit and I think…well if I lost weight I would wear that but right now it would look stupid on me.
Why is it so hard for me to just embrace what I have? Why do I hide myself behind cardigans and jean jackets most days? Why do I feel….Ashamed. Defeated. Self loathing.
I try to convince myself that I shouldn’t feel this way. That I shouldn’t be afraid to hang out at the pool with people because I don’t want to be in a swim suit. That I shouldn’t stress before going out anywhere about what I am going to wear because I think I look horrible in every single thing that I own.
I try to remember when I first started obsessing over all of this. I want to pin point it back to a time in middle school when a boy I thought was cute told me I had “thick legs and a big butt.” Or maybe it was when I saw the competitive cheerleaders spray painting abs on themselves before we went out to compete.
I wanted to share my post today after seeing others coming clean about how they feel inside because I felt it was so therapeutic to see that I am not the only one that is this hard on myself. Every single person that wrote yesterday is absolutely beautiful and for a moment I wanted to be like pshhhh you have no clue what the hell you are talking about. But I get it. We can all have distorted views of ourselves. Sometimes it just helps to let it out so that you can deal with it. I am going to continue working out and trying to eat the best that I can because I want to feel good on the inside. I want to be healthy. I just have to remember that healthy comes in all shapes and sizes.