A Post Without a Title

Isn’t it crazy how when you have something on your mind then all of a sudden, it’s everywhere? When I signed in to Bloglovin’ yesterday morning, I was preparing myself for the usual hilarious confessional posts, and I got some of those. What I wasn’t prepared for were several posts on people who are struggling with their weight or self image. People whom I would never have even thought had that problem at all.

You see, I have had this post set up in my drafts for quite some time, never really wanting to hit the publish button. It dawned on me while reading other posts yesterday that we are all hard on ourselves.

Sometimes when I look in the mirror I get angry. Or sad. I have struggled with my weight my entire life. It has never been easy for me to stay fit. We can blame it on bad genes, past illnesses or temporary physical disabilities but at the end of the day it is what it is. Most of my adult life I have been “overweight” according to medical charts. There was a time that I was bordering “obese.” Sometimes when I look in the mirror I see normal Nadine, but sometimes I see someone who looks like she is 300 pounds. I have never been anywhere even near 300 pounds, but that is what I see. It is so distorted and so messed up.

I struggle with wanting to be healthy and wanting to be skinny. You see, I used to want to just be skinny and I didn’t care how I got there. Stupid fad diets, meal skipping, working out twice a day, it didn’t matter. I just wanted to be skinny. I thought if I weighed less or wore a smaller size it would make me happy. I don’t think that way anymore. I don’t care about being “skinny” I just want to be healthy and happy in my own skin. To not hate what I see in the mirror every day.

Love is feeling good in your own skin. No comparisons. My thickness, my small boobs, my big thighs, my cellulite, my pimple skin.

Last summer I had a work out revelation. I quit making excuses and  I realized I just needed to start doing something. So I did. I started with the 30 Day Shred then I went to RIPPED in 30. Once I got bored with those I moved on to other things. Yes, I have complete dedication to my 4:30 am work out date with myself Monday through Friday. Hell, I don’t even hate it anymore, and I sort of treat it as my me time. The time that I take to do something completely for myself. (Get out of my head Jillian.)

The thing is, no matter how hard I work out Monday through Friday…it isn’t enough. I know that abs are made in the damn kitchen. Oh how I hate it! I have been pretty good over the last year or so about eating healthy during the week. Sure I have some slip ups here and there, but for the most part I do pretty damn good. The thing is, sometimes I might have a snack or a few bites or a taste of something as I am cooking and not really count it.

And on the weekends? You guys see my weekend posts. Hello, food porn!

I am always going to struggle with food. I have learned that I have to give myself a cheat meal or two on the weekends because I want to live and enjoy my life. I don’t ever want to go on a binge because I restrained myself too far. What I need to remember is that I allow myself to do those cheat meals, so I need to cut out the small bites of stuff here and there that I don’t count.

I have used my fitness pal in the past, but let’s be honest….I never really keep up with it for very long before I get lazy or the food I had isn’t in there and I don’t want to go enter in all the ingredients or what not. I hate tracking every bite that goes in my mouth and it just sucks the life out of me. Plus, there is a fine line that I can cross into obsessed about it and that isn’t healthy.

My point to all this rambling is that I feel with all the fat shaming, skinny shaming, and focus on all the pictures in magazines that are photoshopped and completely fake….we all tend to put a lot of pressure on ourselves. Or at least, I know I do. I see a totally cute outfit and I think…well if I lost weight I would wear that but right now it would look stupid on me.

Why is it so hard for me to just embrace what I have? Why do I hide myself behind cardigans and jean jackets most days? Why do I feel….Ashamed. Defeated. Self loathing.

I try to convince myself that I shouldn’t feel this way. That I shouldn’t be afraid to hang out at the pool with people because I don’t want to be in a swim suit. That I shouldn’t stress before going out anywhere about what I am going to wear because I think I look horrible in every single thing that I own.

Real women are people with bodies, end of discussion. There's no need for the body shaming, fat, thin, your body size shouldn't matter

I try to remember when I first started obsessing over all of this. I want to pin point it back to a time in middle school when a boy I thought was cute told me I had “thick legs and a big butt.” Or maybe it was when I saw the competitive cheerleaders spray painting abs on themselves before we went out to compete.

I wanted to share my post today after seeing others coming clean about how they feel inside because I felt it was so therapeutic to see that I am not the only one that is this hard on myself. Every single person that wrote yesterday is absolutely beautiful and for a moment I wanted to be like pshhhh you have no clue what the hell you are talking about. But I get it. We can all have distorted views of ourselves. Sometimes it just helps to let it out so that you can deal with it. I am going to continue working out and trying to eat the best that I can because I want to feel good on the inside. I want to be healthy. I just have to remember that healthy comes in all shapes and sizes.

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  • Reply Helene August 28, 2014 at 2:22 pm

    I think we all feel down on ourselves at one point or another. thank you for opening up. I can still remember the day that a boy said I had “thunder thighs” in middle school. it is so awful and stays with you for such a long time!

  • Reply brooke lyn August 28, 2014 at 2:48 pm

    you are not alone with this feeling of not being good enough, or never being happy with what you see. it’s sad that we are so hard on ourselves especially when we do make most of the good choices. Just do the best you can and be content with that 🙂

  • Reply SMD @ Life According to Steph August 28, 2014 at 2:53 pm

    I think we all have points of not liking what we look like. For me at this age IDGAF what I look like, but I *feel* unhealthy and that is much worse in my skin. So I’m working on that and that’s all I can do.

  • Reply Kristen August 28, 2014 at 3:01 pm

    thank you for sharing your story! it takes a lot of courage to put that out there. i feel like i could have written this, i have all of the same thoughts and feelings, and it is so horrible. i definitely agree with sometimes thinking ‘pssh you have no idea what you are talking about’ but i have been on both sides – too skinny and overweight. and its so easy for me to judge, but i remember when people would say nasty things to me and i would think – you have NO idea what you are talking about. you dont know my story! so i try to remember that before i judge people. but really, you are right. healthy is the most important, and it comes in all shapes and sizes. i hope one day you (and i) can see what others see, be your healthiest and fittest, and know how absolutely beautiful you are inside and out!

  • Reply Lauren August 28, 2014 at 3:31 pm

    I relate to this so much. I’ve always felt bad about my middle and I don’t care enough to change it. I hate swimming, in large part because of swimsuits. It sounds like you have a great idea of balance, though, and what works for you. That’s definitely a lesson I can learn from because it sounds like you’re doing an awesome job at being healthy!

  • Reply Morgan August 28, 2014 at 3:48 pm

    It’s true, we all have these feelings. I know that I feel this way 99.9% of the time, and I hate it. I hate the way I look when I look in the mirror, but even more so, I hate that I feel that way. You are so awesome for working out at 4:30 every morning! You are healthy and beautiful, so don’t think any other way! 🙂

  • Reply Biana Perez August 28, 2014 at 4:04 pm

    I’ve had the same post in my drafts for the longest time- still waiting for the courage to post it! But we all share the same struggles, same feelings and often same thoughts!! It’s great that we can all lean on one another in a way!

  • Reply Kerry August 28, 2014 at 5:03 pm

    I think at some point in time we all feel bad about our body. It is a shame that we are made to feel that way by the media, but i think all we can do it try to be better everyday!

  • Reply Tricia Coniglio August 28, 2014 at 5:36 pm

    I have been embarrassed to talk about the way I have viewed myself upon many occasions because I get berated. Thanks for posting. I think the most important thing is to be healthy. It seems like no matter how perfect each and every one of us are – we find something, anything, that we dislike or would like to see change. It is a tough road in accepting all of life’s imperfections. It seems like the older generation has that part figured out – maybe we need some advice from them ? 🙂

  • Reply Kateri Von Steal August 28, 2014 at 6:04 pm

    🙂 Thank you for sharing this.

    I’m at a weird point with my fitness – and I want to be strong and healthy – not skinny.. you know?

    There is a weird line.

    And I’m trying really hard not to weigh myself anymore – because I don’t want to be defined by a number – and that’s hard too.

    I love your food porn posts – they make my day.

    Your confidence is inspiring – thank you again.

  • Reply Lindsay | Broke and Bougie August 28, 2014 at 6:09 pm

    Nadine yes! I have tears in my eyes, there is just something about seeing that other people, especially people who I think are just so cool (like you!). It makes me so angry that we all struggle with this, in my opinion because of media and how ‘beautiful’ is portrayed, yet things aren’t changing that much…

  • Reply Julia August 28, 2014 at 6:29 pm

    Thank you for sharing! I think all girls deal with feeling like this. I thought it was so great what you said about realizing that no matter how beautiful and perfect we think other girls are, they all struggle with the same insecurities we do. It’s crazy how messed up our views of our bodies are! But I think just knowing that we are not alone in feeling this way takes some of the power away from those feelings, so it’s great that you shared! You are beautiful! 🙂

  • Reply Jackie August 28, 2014 at 7:22 pm

    I really hate things like “Ripped in 30” because it gives you such a false idea of health and fitness. There’s no way to be “Ripped in 30”, it’s “Healthy & Balanced 365”

    I know for myself I LOVED myfitnesspal when I was losing weight for my wedding. During the week I would eat healthy and try to exercise daily but I wouldn’t “eat my exercise calories” during the week. So, everyday I could eat 1500/calories. Then if I burned 200 cal/day exercising I wouldn’t eat 1700. I would save those extra 1000 calories for the weekends so if I had a cheat meal my calories would balance out at the end of the week. I plan to start using it again next weekend.

  • Reply kathy@vodka and soda August 28, 2014 at 8:46 pm

    everyone has insecurities and has struggled with their weight at one point or another. i was a huge fitness/gym/health nut for a very long time (from 16yrs to about 24) and then just stopped. i met my husband (then boyfriend) and we enjoyed what couples do – eat in, snuggle on the couch and didn’t realize that the pounds were coming around. at the time when i met my husband, he was super in shape too – as in RIPPED and with ABS and omfg i couldn’t even handle how amazing his body was.

    then age. fuck age.

    but like you said, we blame genetics etc but what it really comes down to are the choices we make.

    i think in order to see changes through, we have to hit a rock bottom..whether that be how we feel and we get so tired of feeling unhealthy, in my case – seeing an awful picture of me, or maybe a comment we hear in passing but my point is, we make the changes we want to make. all those times i tried and failed, i just wasn’t into it. i had aspirations to make the change and was gung-ho but in the end, i just fizzled out. then when i finally hit my rock bottom, i haven’t looked back since.

    so not to say that you haven’t hit your rock bottom but if you are happy with where you are, then that’s ok! if you feel you want to lose more, then you have the power to do it! just know that if you feel healthy, you ARE healthy 🙂

  • Reply Jessica Shannon August 28, 2014 at 9:17 pm

    Thanks for sharing your feelings on this subject, I can totally relate and I wish society could stop focusing on people’s body types (no matter what kind) and focus on things that really matter.

  • Reply Laura August 28, 2014 at 9:43 pm

    I love that you posted this. 🙂 it’s amazing and I want to say I’m proud of you for posting it — even if that sounds corny or weird. I think you’re beautiful and fun and smart! Beautiful on the inside and outside! You’re Nadine, and I think that’s pretty awesome in itself. 🙂

  • Reply Amanda Elizabeth August 28, 2014 at 10:07 pm

    I really loved this post girl. I honestly don’t think there is a single girl in this entire world who is 100% like “I am perfection”. We are all sooooo damn hard on ourselves right? You know who doesn’t care? Men. I came back from Boston with some extra poundage on and I was freaking out about it to Mark and he was like “ok……” When I was younger trust me I was not nice to my body but now that I have found a workout that I love. It’s a total give and take right? At the end of the day it’s about being happy for you. I’m glad you share this! xoxoxo

  • Reply Amanda August 29, 2014 at 1:09 am

    I’ve struggled with my body image for years, too. It’s not as bad now as it used to be, but, it’s still there and some days it’s worse than others. I’ve been trying to repeat to myself: “eat to FEEL good, not LOOK good” and try to focus on THAT. Like you said though, I think it will always be something that I struggle with as well. Know that you aren’t alone!

  • Reply Joey August 31, 2014 at 3:03 pm

    First of all, you are beautiful. Secondly, everyone and I mean EVERYONE struggles with body image issues. You are not alone. I think you have the right attitude about wanting to be healthy!

  • Reply Krystal September 1, 2014 at 3:26 am

    You are most certainly not alone. I could have written this myself 🙂

  • Reply Nadine September 5, 2014 at 5:51 pm

    Agree. I used to want to be skinny. I didn’t care about health. I didn’t care about anything but being skinny. And I felt ashamed for loving food. I have stopped thinking like this completely. I love getting to eat good foods, and if that means that I am not stick thin, I am alright with it as long as I strive for health and balance. And I also cannot count/track my food. It gave me such an unhealthy relationship with food. It makes my mind go to crazy places!

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