When There Are No Words

Normally I come here on Mondays and share my weekend shenanigans with you. Today, I just don’t feel like doing that.

Today I wanted to come here and say What. The. Fuck. There are no words that can describe the way I felt when I first heard the news of Orlando yesterday morning. My first thought was, this must have been a hate crime. Pride parades and celebrations happened all over the country this past weekend. Then news started circling that this was an ISIS related terror attack and the number of deaths started to climb.

The shooter was a US born citizen who evidently has ties to ISIS. I am sure there are many more like him all over our country. And that? That scares the crap out of me. It also makes me so sad to think that we live in one of the greatest countries in the world and our own people are turning their backs on us.

It is a scary world out there these days. Whether attacks like this are from hate, mental health issues, terror attacks….it just sucks. It sucks that I never care to enter a movie theater for the rest of my life because of a shooting that occurred in one. It sucks that any big crowd event makes me a little nervous as in the back of my mind I think….this would be the type of even that a terror attack or mass shooting could occur with masses of people being in one spot.

I don’t want to to think like that. I don’t want to be on alert of my surroundings at all times. I want to be that young little girl who used to be left to play outside in the backyard for hours without supervision. The 12 year old that was dropped off at the mall with her friend. The kid that went to school everyday without it ever occurring to her that someone would bring a gun.

That isn’t the world we live in anymore.

Today? We turn on the news and here of murders pretty much every day. It is almost like we are desensitized from it because it is such a common occurrence. I am not saying bad things didn’t happen when we were younger, because they did. But not on this scale.

I feel so helpless. I mean, what can we do to make it better? Compassion and kindness of individuals can only go so far. I feel like our leaders are failing us. The FBI knew about this guy. Why was he allowed to buy two guns recently? I realize there was no hard evidence of what he was about to do…but shouldn’t we have been looking a little more closely?

Some changes need to start being made.  I am not a super religious person, but I find myself praying for our country. For future generations. And for some peace that when we walk out our front doors in the morning, we are a little less scared.

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  • Reply Bri @ North Star Girl Lone Star World June 13, 2016 at 9:49 am

    It is scary. For years people have always said war was something that happened abroad, that it hadn’t been in our own backyard for decades. It makes me sad & scared to think that that’s just not the case anymore. If it’s not already here, it’s definitely close.

  • Reply marie June 13, 2016 at 10:06 am

    There are no words for what happened this weekend. It’s so very sad. I had the same thought, if the FBI knew about him, how the heck could he buy guns? That blows my mind. It’s time for action not speeches. It is a very scary world we live in.

  • Reply Ashley @ The Wandering Weekenders June 13, 2016 at 10:30 am

    I find myself wondering how things are so much more violent now than when we were kids. I don’t know if it’s because we have 24 hour media outlets now and we didn’t when we were kids, but it’s so scary! My heart hurts for Orlando and our country!

  • Reply Andrea @ Living On Cloud Nine June 13, 2016 at 10:45 am

    Scares the crap outta me too! I’m sad, I’m mad, I’m baffled and my heart aches!! Why? Just why?

  • Reply Rebecca Jo June 13, 2016 at 10:52 am

    I was the same way today – couldnt even put into words my weekend of fun because world events so overshadow anything else.

    I heard that on the radio this morning – that we dont want to be a world that this sort of thing is usual & normal to be the latest headlines. Sadly, I think it already is.
    I too get nervous still in movies & even in my church – its a huge church. When you think such thoughts especially in a church, you know the worlds messed up.

  • Reply Kate @ Green Fashionista June 13, 2016 at 10:58 am

    I can’t wrap my head around this either, between the level of hate someone can have for people they don’t even know because of the color of their skin, their religion, their sexuality, or the country they live in or how the FBI knew about this guy and he was still able to purchase these weapons without any flags going off. This happened right in my “backyard”, but am so proud of our community and how we’ve come together since yesterday. So proud of my beautiful city and the amazing people who are filling it with love to cancel out the hate <3

  • Reply Mattie @ Northwest Native June 13, 2016 at 11:08 am

    The state of our country now is so sad and scary. I’ve had many of the same thoughts when I’m at an event with a large crowd. Once I was at a movie and I guy walked in alone, wearing his hood, with his hands in his pockets and I was terrified. Like, almost considered leaving the theater. It’s sad to think that a few years ago I wouldn’t have thought anything of it, and now the fear is everywhere.

    I am distraught over the senseless act of violence and all the lives lost.

  • Reply laura June 13, 2016 at 11:34 am

    I don’t even know where to start, except it makes me incredibly sad for my child that he will have to grow up in such a world filled with hate and violence. He will never know what it was like to NOT have a plan in case an active shooter walks into his school, or be able to just hang out outside with his friends all night long. It makes me so so sad.

  • Reply Tania // Run to Radiance June 13, 2016 at 11:47 am

    It IS really scary. I try not to let myself think about it too much, or worry because I could see my mind going down all kinds of rabbit holes. I pray, I cry, I just try to keep living my life as normally as possible, and shove down the anxiety. It’s hard 🙁

  • Reply alyssa June 13, 2016 at 12:31 pm

    That’s just what I’ve been thinking too. Nothing and nowhere is safe anymore, and that is the opposite of what we were raised to believe. I’m with you—movie theaters, large crowds, big public events, all of them terrify me if I think too much about them. Living so close to NYC too, sometimes I fear just getting on public transportation to get into the city or being a part of any large gathering. And fear feels like such a useless, defeating emotion, but it’s all I can manage. Fear and of course absolute horror and sadness for the people who’ve lost their lives and loved ones because of senseless hate and insufficient protections for civilians. But I also can’t help but wonder what is every going to happen that will change things. If Sandy Hook didn’t bring about some change, what will?

  • Reply Tracy June 13, 2016 at 1:05 pm

    I have a similar post on gun violence that I’ve written, deleted, rewritten, and deleted so many times because ultimately I just…I don’t know what to say. And every time something like this happens it makes me want to say SOMETHING, but every time I find it harder and harder to find the words. My heart has broken over this issue so many times that I don’t know if there’s anything that can be said or done to fix it.

  • Reply Lindsay June 13, 2016 at 3:57 pm

    We were scarily on the same page today… even the title! I could not agree more. I am so MAD that he was allowed to buy a gun. What in the actual fuck. NO reason that should be okay at all. I don’t even know what to do or think or say. It’s so scary and confusing.

  • Reply mandie June 13, 2016 at 5:49 pm

    I’m right there with ya, girlie. I am so worried about the direction this country/world has taken & how what my nieces, nephew & cousins will have to face in their lifetimes. Like you, I remember being able to not worry about going to school & getting shot at or being able to walk around my own neighborhood without having to worry about getting kidnapped. It’s so, so scary & I hate it, I hate every single moment of it. 🙁

  • Reply Biana June 13, 2016 at 7:03 pm

    I am so with you on everything that you said here…I wish we could go back to a time when this wasn’t on the news everyday because tragedies like this didn’t happen. The world is such a terrible and scary place, yet in these hard times we see humanity in the best sense of the word…how we all come together to stand with the victims, families and all those affected – hate will always lose out to love! xo, Biana –BlovedBoston

  • Reply Jenna June 13, 2016 at 7:13 pm

    You shouldn’t be scared. Don’t be. Statistically speaking, you’re more likely to die from shooting yourself than in a terrorist attack. Letting these things change how we live is precisely the effect they’re going for. Don’t give in.

    One of the most beautiful things I’ve seen in response to this was a video of people lined up around the block standing in line waiting to give blood. It was a heartwarming contrast to the violence, and it speaks volumes that this is how people would respond. John Oliver phrased it perfectly last night: these dipshits are vastly outnumbered. We need to remember that.

    As to ISIS… I honestly don’t know that he had any real connection to them other than just being a fanboy. As far as I can tell (unless new information has been released), they’ve never trained him or in any way aided him in this attack. He just was a sympathizer and mentioned them in a 911 call, and they chimed in to say that they totally were responsible. If you think about it, it’s ISIS grasping at straws to take credit because they’ve yet to actually infiltrate the U.S. and carry out an organized attack. The only attacks we’ve had have been from those already inside and have been lone wolf attacks. That should speak volumes as to just how ineffective they’ve been, and when you consider them to be the sad and pathetic and desperate people they are, it’s much harder to fear them.

  • Reply Emily @ Martinis & Bikinis June 13, 2016 at 10:14 pm

    You said it so well. This type of tragedy is sometimes hard to put into words but you nailed it. So sad, senseless and tragic. For us in Orlando, it was too close to home and we know friends of friends that were victims so we now focus on healing and helping our community.

  • Reply Kaitlyn June 14, 2016 at 1:36 am

    It is so sad that we have to walk out of our doors in the morning scared, alert and aware, wondering what may happen today. They’re taking away our freedom day by day. At what point, are we going to put an end to it. I’m so tired of receiving terrorist related news updates on my phone everyday! My heart is breaking for all those lost. Such a tragedy.

  • Reply ellesees.net June 14, 2016 at 8:41 am

    What scares me are the developments that are coming out now from this story. So scary. I believe God always throws a pebble before the boulder. This was a long time coming for him.

  • Reply kristen June 14, 2016 at 2:03 pm

    it just makes me so sad. i keep trying to talk about this but i’m just not good with words and i don’t know what to say except to beg americans to change the gun laws. this should not have happened. it should not have been this easy. TWENTY years ago, we had a huge massacre and like the next day our gun laws changed. it hasn’t happened since. wtf america. you want your fucking guns? what about your children, or your safety? is it worth it? is it worth it to you, someone’s life? to be able to buy a gun? whatever the reason behind the attack, the simple fact that he should not have been able to get a gun that easily – a gun that could kill so many people so quickly – is the one we need to focus on. it’s fucking fucked up and i am fucking sick of it.

  • Reply Rach @ This Italian Family June 14, 2016 at 4:00 pm

    It’s all so heartbreaking. Every mass shooting, every act of hatred. Just completely heartbreaking. 🙁

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