Isn’t it crazy how when you have something on your mind then all of a sudden, it’s everywhere? When I signed in to Bloglovin’ yesterday morning, I was preparing myself for the usual hilarious confessional posts, and I got some of those. What I wasn’t prepared for were several posts on people who are struggling with their weight or self image. People whom I would never have even thought had that problem at all.

You see, I have had this post set up in my drafts for quite some time, never really wanting to hit the publish button. It dawned on me while reading other posts yesterday that we are all hard on ourselves.

Sometimes when I look in the mirror I get angry. Or sad. I have struggled with my weight my entire life. It has never been easy for me to stay fit. We can blame it on bad genes, past illnesses or temporary physical disabilities but at the end of the day it is what it is. Most of my adult life I have been “overweight” according to medical charts. There was a time that I was bordering “obese.” Sometimes when I look in the mirror I see normal Nadine, but sometimes I see someone who looks like she is 300 pounds. I have never been anywhere even near 300 pounds, but that is what I see. It is so distorted and so messed up.

I struggle with wanting to be healthy and wanting to be skinny. You see, I used to want to just be skinny and I didn’t care how I got there. Stupid fad diets, meal skipping, working out twice a day, it didn’t matter. I just wanted to be skinny. I thought if I weighed less or wore a smaller size it would make me happy. I don’t think that way anymore. I don’t care about being “skinny” I just want to be healthy and happy in my own skin. To not hate what I see in the mirror every day.

Last summer I had a work out revelation. I quit making excuses and  I realized I just needed to start doing something. So I did. I started with the 30 Day Shred then I went to RIPPED in 30. Once I got bored with those I moved on to other things. Yes, I have complete dedication to my 4:30 am work out date with myself Monday through Friday. Hell, I don’t even hate it anymore, and I sort of treat it as my me time. The time that I take to do something completely for myself. (Get out of my head Jillian.)

The thing is, no matter how hard I work out Monday through Friday…it isn’t enough. I know that abs are made in the damn kitchen. Oh how I hate it! I have been pretty good over the last year or so about eating healthy during the week. Sure I have some slip ups here and there, but for the most part I do pretty damn good. The thing is, sometimes I might have a snack or a few bites or a taste of something as I am cooking and not really count it.

And on the weekends? You guys see my weekend posts. Hello, food porn!

I am always going to struggle with food. I have learned that I have to give myself a cheat meal or two on the weekends because I want to live and enjoy my life. I don’t ever want to go on a binge because I restrained myself too far. What I need to remember is that I allow myself to do those cheat meals, so I need to cut out the small bites of stuff here and there that I don’t count.

I have used my fitness pal in the past, but let’s be honest….I never really keep up with it for very long before I get lazy or the food I had isn’t in there and I don’t want to go enter in all the ingredients or what not. I hate tracking every bite that goes in my mouth and it just sucks the life out of me. Plus, there is a fine line that I can cross into obsessed about it and that isn’t healthy.

My point to all this rambling is that I feel with all the fat shaming, skinny shaming, and focus on all the pictures in magazines that are photoshopped and completely fake….we all tend to put a lot of pressure on ourselves. Or at least, I know I do. I see a totally cute outfit and I think…well if I lost weight I would wear that but right now it would look stupid on me.

Why is it so hard for me to just embrace what I have? Why do I hide myself behind cardigans and jean jackets most days? Why do I feel….Ashamed. Defeated. Self loathing.

I try to convince myself that I shouldn’t feel this way. That I shouldn’t be afraid to hang out at the pool with people because I don’t want to be in a swim suit. That I shouldn’t stress before going out anywhere about what I am going to wear because I think I look horrible in every single thing that I own.

I try to remember when I first started obsessing over all of this. I want to pin point it back to a time in middle school when a boy I thought was cute told me I had “thick legs and a big butt.” Or maybe it was when I saw the competitive cheerleaders spray painting abs on themselves before we went out to compete.

I wanted to share my post today after seeing others coming clean about how they feel inside because I felt it was so therapeutic to see that I am not the only one that is this hard on myself. Every single person that wrote yesterday is absolutely beautiful and for a moment I wanted to be like pshhhh you have no clue what the hell you are talking about. But I get it. We can all have distorted views of ourselves. Sometimes it just helps to let it out so that you can deal with it. I am going to continue working out and trying to eat the best that I can because I want to feel good on the inside. I want to be healthy. I just have to remember that healthy comes in all shapes and sizes.

Oh, hey Wednesday! We all know by know that Wednesdays are confession days around these parts. I have a few things to get off my chest.

–After learning that my company is having a retreat this fall, all I can think about is how I am going to have to get on a plane and fly there. Hello panic attacks. Shit!

–I made chili this week for dinner. Yes it is over 100 degrees outside. No, I don’t care. I miss soups! And my wishful thinking has me saying maybe if I eat something meant for cooler temperatures it will magically be cooler.

–I haven’t watched last nights summer finale of PLL yet, but I couldn’t stop laughing when Chris sent me this meme he made yesterday. The title was fAtal and apparently someone is to die. I have my suspicions about who. I also have my suspicions about who A really is too, but I am sure they will drag that answer out for another season or two.

–With the first kick off of the season this Saturday, I basically know what I am doing every weekend until like Thanksgiving.

Confessions in ecards:

basically what I look like every day:

Anyone else feel me on this? That is why I stick to 3-4 beers max in a span of several hours!

Boom, bitches!

seriously fear for the future of our country!

Can I get an Amen?

Dude, I really do!

Otherwise, I have a great Italian hand gesture for you!

But really, why does this always happen to me?

If you can’t take a joke, then don’t be one

…you couldn’t fail?

Fear of failure is a real struggle. I mean, no one wants to fail, am I right?!?! I think about all the things I used to dream about doing. Then I think about all the reasons why I think it will never happen.

–Own my own boutique. This has been a dream of mine for a long time. I would love to own my own boutique that carries a variety of clothing for women ages 25-55.. I know that sounds like a wide range, but honestly…it is so hard for the late twenty something and up to find clothes that are age appropriate and of great quality. We are “too old” to shop in the teenage stores and yet we don’t want to look like a frumpy grandmother either. I would carry a variety of sizes to fit every body type.

–Design my own clothing line. This plays into above, but ever since I was younger I would always look at clothes in stores and say things like “this would be perfect if it had this” or “if this had this instead.” Basically, I want to just design things that are pretty.

–Interior Design. When I was in HS, my very first job was at Kirkland’s. I loved everything about home interior. I love helping people pick out pictures, lamps and accessories for their homes. I had a stream of regular clients that would bring in photos of their rooms and ask me to pick stuff out for them. It was so wonderful!!! I so badly wanted to major in design in college, but my dad kindly reminded me that I can’t draw worth a flip and that put a damper on things.

Basically, all of these things add up to the fact that one day, I would like to own my own business of some kind. Be my own boss and do all the things I have dreamed of doing. There is this thing called money, and I need to make a steady income. Also, all of these things cost money to start up. Money I don’t have.

I tell other people all the time to not think about what could go wrong, but think of all the things that could go right. Why can’t I take my own advice?

What would you be doing if you were not afraid to fail? If something was holding you back from achieving your dreams?

Friday- For lunch, my co-workers took me to lunch at Saw’s BBQ for a late birthday celebration. I think Saw’s and Moe’s are my two favorite BBQ places here in Alabama. They are both consistently good each time. After work, Chris and I went to his parents house for dinner.

Saturday – Saturday morning we ran some errands, then headed over to World of Beer to meet up with some of our friends that were in town from Huntsville. A little while after that, Laura and her man came too! The fall beers are starting to come out and I took full advantage of that! I tried a beer cocktail that combined Well’s Banana Bread Beer with Weihenstephaner Hefeweissbier which is a full bodied German with a huge head of foam that has clove and hints of banana. It was delicious. After that, I tried the House of Shandy Jack-o-Traveler that was brewed with fresh pumpkin and was a shandy style beer. I think it is my new favorite fall beer! The smell of it was amazing and I want them to make a candle of it! 

After all that beer, we needed some yummy food. Laura and I have been talking about trying Melt forever. Lanney and Diane were on board with the idea, so we headed on over to Avondale!

I forgot to take picture of the appetizers, but we ordered the Matilda Rolls which were sort of like mozzarella cheese sticks with red pepper flakes wrapped in a wonton and served with sauce. We also ordered the melt queso with homemade chips and the blue cheese nachos which were homemade potato chips that had queso and blue cheese melted with bacon, green onions and jalapenos. Delicious!!!!

They had board games scattered throughout the restaurant, so we played Candy Land while we waited for our dinner.

For my entree, I ordered the Flyin’ Hawaiian with pasta salad as my side.  The Flyin’ Hawaiian had smoked ham, habanero jack cheese, and a cajun grilled pineapple served on a pretzel roll. Holy yum. It had a little kick to it with the cheese and cajun pineapple. They do not skimp on the meat either. There was so much ham on this baby that I couldn’t finish it all! Delicious! I know we will be back for sure!

After dinner, we headed over to Boxcar Vape then grabbed some drinks at Todd English Pubb and headed to the roof top for a chat. It was such a beautiful night. (After the temperature dropped from over 100 earlier in the day!)

Sunday – We ran some errands on Sunday and meal planned and grocery shopped. We picked up some shelves to start organizing all of our video games in the basement too. Then we watched reruns of Two and a Half Men Sunday evening. I also read some of my book, I am on book 10 of the series now. Yay!

And of course, here is Livvy watching TV with us. She was facing forward and I called her name and she turned around to give me this look:

I hope everyone has a fabulous week!

Favorite Song: I can not get enough of Shake it Off by Taylor Swift. I have probably listened to this song 20 times in the last two days. I don’t know why so many people have to hate on her. Perhaps I like it so much because she is sort of making fun of herself in this video and “shakes off” what other people say about her. I like to think I do the same.

Favorite New Item: A few weeks ago my mom gave me this little Alabama necklace that she saw when she was at the beach. So sweet of her to think of me while she was on vacation! I tucked it away so I wouldn’t loose it and sort of forgot about it. My little gold anchor necklace broke last week so this is the perfect replacement!

Favorite Moment: Hanging out with Laura and Morgan last night. A new Mexican restaurant opened up in Uptown this week and we wanted to check it out. I had signed up for the enews and received a free coupon for table side guacamole. Um….yes, please!!!!!

One strong ass margarita!

Table side guac? Don’t mind if I do!

One beef enchilada and one chicken enchilada. Gotta soak up those margaritas!

I also tried Octane when I was there. I ordered a vanilla latte and it was everything I wanted it to be and more!

Favorite Beauty Product: Last weekend I stopped in Sephora to pick up my birthday freebie and grabbed the smaller size of the Urban Decay All Nighter make up setting spray. I have been using it all week and I have to say….I like it! It works better than the Make Up Forever HD Powder. I have loved every UD product that I have ever tried, so no surprise.

Favorite Forecast:

Favorite Funnies: