I Know Your Name

I have crossed the horizon to find you
I know your name
They have stolen the heart from inside you
But this does not define you
This is not who you are
You know who you are

Zoe has an addictive personality. When she finds a movie she likes, she’s ride or die with it. First it was Secret Life of Pets. I cannot tell you how many times I have watched “Pets.” When I hear Welcome to New York from Swifty, my eyes twitch a little. Well, right around the time I disappeared from this space, she became obsessed with Moana. And honestly you guys, this movie is the exact thing I needed.

Those words above are the lyrics to the song I Know Your Name. Moana sings them towards the end of the movie when we discover who Te Fiti is. You guys, it is me. I was that angry lava monster who lost who she was. When I watched that scene for the first time I bawled. Reality came crashing down on me so hard.

So let me back up and tell you what happened. On September 24th, my boss emailed me at 2:15 pm asking if we could talk at 2:30. I had a sinking feeling when I saw that email. One of the guys I worked with had just given a two week notice. I walked in there and sat down thinking we were going to go over my performance review. He started with, “I have some bad news.” And proceeded to tell me how I was great and this had nothing to do with my performance, but that the company is cutting budgets where it can and my position was being eliminated. That he had been sitting on that knowledge for two weeks fighting to keep me, but he lost out in the partner vote in the end. Everyone else in my position had been let go or moved on, and now it was my turn.

I sat there in complete disbelief for a moment. I have worked to some capacity since I was 16 years old. I have always been nothing but an excellent employee that people are sorry to see go when I move on to something else.  I work hard and I give it my all. How was this happening to me???? After our little chat, I walked back out to my desk and completed what I was doing….because that is who I am. I couldn’t leave something unfinished. I packed up my desk, and walked out of there. Pulled into the alley away from that building, and cried and cried.

That first week was dark. I was dark. I cannot tell you how many times I broke down. How worthless I felt. I actually called myself a worthless piece of shit to my husband and my best friend. Of course, both of them were quick to tell me that I cannot talk about myself like that. But it was how I felt. It was crippling.

Then I sat down and watched  Moana one night after Zoe got out of school. I saw that scene I shared above and it all clicked into place. I let that job eat at my soul for so long, it crushed me from the inside. I lost my inner spark, the whole core of me. I cared too much about stupid shit. If Zoe got sick, I would worry who would be upset that I wasn’t there in the office, even though I was working my ass off from home and getting everything done just the same. I was always worrying about hurting other peoples feelings and molding myself to someone’s  needs or personality. I hated what I did for so long, I let that unhappiness drive my life.

I normally don’t get very religious or spiritual around these parts, but I was ignoring God and all the signs he was throwing at me. I had several signs that I needed to change my ways. I think this was his way of slapping me in the face and saying “wake up Nadine!!!! This isn’t my plan for you, you have gotten so far off path!” He had to do something drastic for me to listen. Once I realized that my faith was completely gone and I gave it back, I had immediate peace about the whole situation. My dark, depressive state was immediately lifted. Chris made a comment about how he saw things in me that he hasn’t seen in years coming back. I was unemployed, but I was happy. I was so damn happy.

Don’t get me wrong, it is stressful applying for jobs every day. Doing phone interviews, going in person, trying to sell yourself and act excited about anything that comes your way. You guys, I don’t even know how many phone and in person interviews I have had the last seven weeks. Finding a new job is a full time job. I was rejected over and over again. I was going after jobs for way less than I was making. I was going for jobs I was way over qualified for. I had a few interviews for jobs that were a step up. The rejections hurt, but I just had peace about it all. Something was going to happen, and it was out of my control. I just had to keep trying and doing what I was doing.

Last week, a lead I had been working with that I hadn’t heard from in awhile emailed me asking me to fill out an application online and complete a background form. It was with a company that I worked with indirectly at my last job and they are in the same building. If I took it, I would literally be sharing a cube wall with my old co-workers. The job is an incredible opportunity and a step up from where I was. More money, and I would be working along side someone I became friends with sharing a cube wall with her for four years. But it is also in an industry that I don’t care much about, or know much about. I almost feel like it might be a little over my head and I would be super overwhelmed at first. And then there is this…

I had several interviews last week. It was actually a pretty crazy week. Add in the fact that Zoe got sick and was home from school for two days as well. My sweet MIL watched her on Wednesday for me so I could go to an interview. Then Thursday I had another interview, and when I was in that one (for two hours) I had my phone shut off. When I turned it back on I had a text that I had some good news and to return the phone call. I was offered the job I had interviewed for on Wednesday!!!!

This is a job doing something very similar to what I used to do a long time ago. It was a job I truly enjoyed and looking back over my career, leaving that company was a mistake. There were things I didn’t like about the job, but it was all personal to do with a few people that worked there and nothing about the job itself. This takes all of what I did there and elevates it a little. It is with an amazing company that is affiliated with an international and very well known company in my industry around the world. It is less money that the other offer I know I have coming in, but I am trying to take all that I learned in the seven weeks that I was off and really try to make a decision based on where I think I will be happiest.

I accepted that job Friday morning, and they were like…so can you start Monday at 10:00am?! Ummmm sure?! OMG!

I slept for maybe 2 hours on Thursday night trying to mull over the decision of which to choose. I again worried about upsetting someone. This other company knows me and I am friends with someone there. They think they have me even though I haven’t received an official offer yet. But this other company knew immediately that they wanted me. They didn’t waste anytime offering me the job. It is something I actually enjoy doing!!!! OMG WHAT DO I DO??????? I needed a sign. I had talked to my sister Thursday after I got the offer and she said, “Your sign will come. Maybe it wont be obvious. Or maybe it will come in a dream. But it will come.” And immediately when she said dream I screamed, OMG IT ALREADY CAME! I had a dream Wednesday night that I had a job offer for the exact amount this company offered me. I said…..but it wasn’t specific that it was for that company. And my sister said, “Umm Nadine, that was your damn sign. Quit ignoring this!” I had also talked to Chris, Laura and Lindsay about my situation. The general consensus was to go with the job for less money where I think I would be happier.

It is funny, really. Here I was, praying for anything for seven weeks. And then all of a sudden this week, I get things thrown at me all at once. And a decision to make. And I am going to be real with you guys, being decisive is not my strong suit. I can barely chose where to go to lunch, yet alone a life changing decision like this!!!!! God had one more lesson for me.

In the end, deep down in my heart, I think I knew that this opportunity to go with the type of job that I know I would enjoy more was the right choice. But it is hard to pass up a lot more money and the knowledge that I already have a friend there, and know the culture of that group and what to expect. But I want to be happy. I spend 40+ hours a week at work. I leave my child in the hands of other people for my work. I need to make it worth it!!!

I want to take a moment to thank everyone who reached out to me wondering where I went. I was honest and real with all of you who asked. I took my blog down because I didn’t want employers googling me and using it against me in any way. I am not really professional in this space, it is my fun time. I say what is on my mind and I cuss sometimes.

I want to thank my family for being so supportive and positive. Chris has been SOOOOO incredible this whole time. Constantly trying to lift me up, saying what I need to hear, and not putting pressure on me to settle for just any old thing that came my way.

And Laura. You dealt with me in my darkest days. You dealt with all my self doubt and complaints. I could not be more thankful for our friendship!!! And Lindsay too! Your were texting me on the regular checking in with me and being encouraging.

If you are still reading this, sorry for the novel! I wanted to share where I went and about my experience. There are so many of you that I know are sitting in a job that is sucking your soul right out of you. And I want you to know that there is something better out there for you. Hang in there because you are awesome. And YOU are number one. You have to take care of yourself, stop worrying about hurting feelings in the work place, because in the end, even your loyalty cant really save you. You have to make decisions based on what is best for you, everyone else is doing it, and you deserve the best.