about me

I Know Your Name

I have crossed the horizon to find you
I know your name
They have stolen the heart from inside you
But this does not define you
This is not who you are
You know who you are

Zoe has an addictive personality. When she finds a movie she likes, she’s ride or die with it. First it was Secret Life of Pets. I cannot tell you how many times I have watched “Pets.” When I hear Welcome to New York from Swifty, my eyes twitch a little. Well, right around the time I disappeared from this space, she became obsessed with Moana. And honestly you guys, this movie is the exact thing I needed.

Those words above are the lyrics to the song I Know Your Name. Moana sings them towards the end of the movie when we discover who Te Fiti is. You guys, it is me. I was that angry lava monster who lost who she was. When I watched that scene for the first time I bawled. Reality came crashing down on me so hard.

So let me back up and tell you what happened. On September 24th, my boss emailed me at 2:15 pm asking if we could talk at 2:30. I had a sinking feeling when I saw that email. One of the guys I worked with had just given a two week notice. I walked in there and sat down thinking we were going to go over my performance review. He started with, “I have some bad news.” And proceeded to tell me how I was great and this had nothing to do with my performance, but that the company is cutting budgets where it can and my position was being eliminated. That he had been sitting on that knowledge for two weeks fighting to keep me, but he lost out in the partner vote in the end. Everyone else in my position had been let go or moved on, and now it was my turn.

I sat there in complete disbelief for a moment. I have worked to some capacity since I was 16 years old. I have always been nothing but an excellent employee that people are sorry to see go when I move on to something else.  I work hard and I give it my all. How was this happening to me???? After our little chat, I walked back out to my desk and completed what I was doing….because that is who I am. I couldn’t leave something unfinished. I packed up my desk, and walked out of there. Pulled into the alley away from that building, and cried and cried.

That first week was dark. I was dark. I cannot tell you how many times I broke down. How worthless I felt. I actually called myself a worthless piece of shit to my husband and my best friend. Of course, both of them were quick to tell me that I cannot talk about myself like that. But it was how I felt. It was crippling.

Then I sat down and watched  Moana one night after Zoe got out of school. I saw that scene I shared above and it all clicked into place. I let that job eat at my soul for so long, it crushed me from the inside. I lost my inner spark, the whole core of me. I cared too much about stupid shit. If Zoe got sick, I would worry who would be upset that I wasn’t there in the office, even though I was working my ass off from home and getting everything done just the same. I was always worrying about hurting other peoples feelings and molding myself to someone’s  needs or personality. I hated what I did for so long, I let that unhappiness drive my life.

I normally don’t get very religious or spiritual around these parts, but I was ignoring God and all the signs he was throwing at me. I had several signs that I needed to change my ways. I think this was his way of slapping me in the face and saying “wake up Nadine!!!! This isn’t my plan for you, you have gotten so far off path!” He had to do something drastic for me to listen. Once I realized that my faith was completely gone and I gave it back, I had immediate peace about the whole situation. My dark, depressive state was immediately lifted. Chris made a comment about how he saw things in me that he hasn’t seen in years coming back. I was unemployed, but I was happy. I was so damn happy.

Don’t get me wrong, it is stressful applying for jobs every day. Doing phone interviews, going in person, trying to sell yourself and act excited about anything that comes your way. You guys, I don’t even know how many phone and in person interviews I have had the last seven weeks. Finding a new job is a full time job. I was rejected over and over again. I was going after jobs for way less than I was making. I was going for jobs I was way over qualified for. I had a few interviews for jobs that were a step up. The rejections hurt, but I just had peace about it all. Something was going to happen, and it was out of my control. I just had to keep trying and doing what I was doing.

Last week, a lead I had been working with that I hadn’t heard from in awhile emailed me asking me to fill out an application online and complete a background form. It was with a company that I worked with indirectly at my last job and they are in the same building. If I took it, I would literally be sharing a cube wall with my old co-workers. The job is an incredible opportunity and a step up from where I was. More money, and I would be working along side someone I became friends with sharing a cube wall with her for four years. But it is also in an industry that I don’t care much about, or know much about. I almost feel like it might be a little over my head and I would be super overwhelmed at first. And then there is this…

Image result for quote about environment that makes you sick

I had several interviews last week. It was actually a pretty crazy week. Add in the fact that Zoe got sick and was home from school for two days as well. My sweet MIL watched her on Wednesday for me so I could go to an interview. Then Thursday I had another interview, and when I was in that one (for two hours) I had my phone shut off. When I turned it back on I had a text that I had some good news and to return the phone call. I was offered the job I had interviewed for on Wednesday!!!!

This is a job doing something very similar to what I used to do a long time ago. It was a job I truly enjoyed and looking back over my career, leaving that company was a mistake. There were things I didn’t like about the job, but it was all personal to do with a few people that worked there and nothing about the job itself. This takes all of what I did there and elevates it a little. It is with an amazing company that is affiliated with an international and very well known company in my industry around the world. It is less money that the other offer I know I have coming in, but I am trying to take all that I learned in the seven weeks that I was off and really try to make a decision based on where I think I will be happiest.

I accepted that job Friday morning, and they were like…so can you start Monday at 10:00am?! Ummmm sure?! OMG!

I slept for maybe 2 hours on Thursday night trying to mull over the decision of which to choose. I again worried about upsetting someone. This other company knows me and I am friends with someone there. They think they have me even though I haven’t received an official offer yet. But this other company knew immediately that they wanted me. They didn’t waste anytime offering me the job. It is something I actually enjoy doing!!!! OMG WHAT DO I DO??????? I needed a sign. I had talked to my sister Thursday after I got the offer and she said, “Your sign will come. Maybe it wont be obvious. Or maybe it will come in a dream. But it will come.” And immediately when she said dream I screamed, OMG IT ALREADY CAME! I had a dream Wednesday night that I had a job offer for the exact amount this company offered me. I said…..but it wasn’t specific that it was for that company. And my sister said, “Umm Nadine, that was your damn sign. Quit ignoring this!” I had also talked to Chris, Laura and Lindsay about my situation. The general consensus was to go with the job for less money where I think I would be happier.

It is funny, really. Here I was, praying for anything for seven weeks. And then all of a sudden this week, I get things thrown at me all at once. And a decision to make. And I am going to be real with you guys, being decisive is not my strong suit. I can barely chose where to go to lunch, yet alone a life changing decision like this!!!!! God had one more lesson for me.

In the end, deep down in my heart, I think I knew that this opportunity to go with the type of job that I know I would enjoy more was the right choice. But it is hard to pass up a lot more money and the knowledge that I already have a friend there, and know the culture of that group and what to expect. But I want to be happy. I spend 40+ hours a week at work. I leave my child in the hands of other people for my work. I need to make it worth it!!!

I want to take a moment to thank everyone who reached out to me wondering where I went. I was honest and real with all of you who asked. I took my blog down because I didn’t want employers googling me and using it against me in any way. I am not really professional in this space, it is my fun time. I say what is on my mind and I cuss sometimes.

I want to thank my family for being so supportive and positive. Chris has been SOOOOO incredible this whole time. Constantly trying to lift me up, saying what I need to hear, and not putting pressure on me to settle for just any old thing that came my way.

And Laura. You dealt with me in my darkest days. You dealt with all my self doubt and complaints. I could not be more thankful for our friendship!!! And Lindsay too! Your were texting me on the regular checking in with me and being encouraging.

If you are still reading this, sorry for the novel! I wanted to share where I went and about my experience. There are so many of you that I know are sitting in a job that is sucking your soul right out of you. And I want you to know that there is something better out there for you. Hang in there because you are awesome. And YOU are number one. You have to take care of yourself, stop worrying about hurting feelings in the work place, because in the end, even your loyalty cant really save you. You have to make decisions based on what is best for you, everyone else is doing it, and you deserve the best.

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  • Reply Andrea Nine November 14, 2018 at 7:16 am

    Oh my sweet friend, prayers answered and congratulations!! I am so glad you wrote this and I bet your felt better after!! YOU are number 1 and this new company is so lucky to have you! I’ve been thinking of you so very much and I know in my heart, this was that road for you, your path. I remember you struggling where you were with and God opened this door for you and the dark days only make it all the more special. You won and you shall prevail!!!! HUGS!!!

  • Reply Lindsay November 14, 2018 at 8:06 am

    Love you, friend. And thank you for doing the same for me. Our posts are pretty similar today! 🙂

  • Reply laura November 14, 2018 at 8:16 am

    Ugh, why are you making me cry so early in the morning – that damn Moana song. 🙂 You know how much I love you, and would be here during the darkest of your days. I’m so happy that you found something that won’t suck your soul day in and day out. PLUS, LUNCH. 🙂 Love you!!!

  • Reply Kay November 14, 2018 at 10:58 am

    “I walked back out to my desk and completed what I was doing….because that is who I am” This line – you are amazing. I dont get religious on the blog either but Ill say this sometimes God wants you to leave somewhere and when you dont he forces you too. Ive been in that place before and you just never know the blessing waiting for you that will make the pain and tears worth it.

    Thanks for sharing this incredibly tough period of your life. Im rooting for you and Im so glad you got a job you know you can excel at.

  • Reply Heather November 14, 2018 at 11:34 am

    Yay, congrats Nadine! This is so great. I was laid off once and found out that same day that we were pregnant with Lucy. I cried and cried for days but it all worked out in the end. I’m so happy that this has worked out for you and I hope you have a lot of happiness and a sense of accomplishment in the new position!!!

  • Reply Lauren November 14, 2018 at 11:35 am

    Oh, I’m SO SO SOOOOO happy that you’re going to be doing something that you enjoy! And I swear, Moana really is powerful! I definitely broke down watching it, too!

  • Reply Rebecca Jo November 14, 2018 at 12:40 pm

    Can I say, reading this, when I got to the part where they let you go, I was like, YES!!!!! – which is so strange, but I know you’ve had that struggle for so long on trying to find another job – but just so nervous about it… & I just KNEW reading this that God was giving you that push. you’ve been praying about it & if you’re afraid to take the leap, then God will just give that SHOVE! I AM SO EXCITED FOR YOU!!!!!…. & trust me, being in your shoes of a new career change, it makes it so much easier to know that even if this doesnt work out, you’re not bound to a place like you were before – you can make that switch again & again until you get to where you feel you need to be – & maybe you already have it – or its just another season…. as you see, God will move you 😉 SO glad you have a little bit of peace about it all now too!!!!

  • Reply SMD November 14, 2018 at 1:14 pm

    Much love to you, thank you for sharing.

    I got laid off once and it was the best thing that happened to me – I was so freaking unhappy and it leaked into everything.

    Congratulations on the new gig and being bold in choosing what is best for you inside over the money.

  • Reply Megan November 14, 2018 at 2:40 pm

    YAY new job, BOO struggle.
    But back to Moana.. Check out some of the remixed versions of the songs. Seriously, Teh German listens to an EDM mix of How Far I’ll Go ALL.THE.TIME with the windows down, blasting, on his way home from work. I’ve told him it’s a Moana song. He don’t curr.

  • Reply Missy @MySh!ttyKitchen November 14, 2018 at 4:27 pm

    I am so sorry this happened to you, but yay new job! I was wondering where you were and glad you are checking in and sharing! All those cliche sayings (when i door closes a window opens. etc.) are hard to hear when we are struggling, but in the long run they are so true. Sending you lots of hugs!

  • Reply Amy Getz November 14, 2018 at 11:07 pm

    Wow . . . I hate that you had to go through some trying times, but I know this is going to be so much better in the long run! So glad to hear your spirits are raised and you are starting a new job! Glad to hear Chris and little Zoe are doing well too!

  • Reply ShootingStarsMag November 15, 2018 at 12:07 pm

    I was just sitting here thinking “I wonder if Nadine got a job and is blogging again” and YAY! I’m so happy to see you back and I think you made a great decision. I’ve been laid off before, but thankfully it was a part time job and I wasn’t out on my own or anything. I think that makes it harder when you have a family you’re trying to think of. But I think it was meant to be for me, and I think it was the same for you. I’m really glad you’re out of the place now and you’re going to be working somewhere where you will be much happier! And hey, you might make less now, but there’s always the chance of promotions! You never know!


  • Reply Sierra November 15, 2018 at 5:25 pm

    Nadine I am so happy for you!!! This is amazing news and I’m so glad you went with your heart and ultimately what makes you happy. It’s never easy to turn down more money, but you never know, the additional money may come over time or in other ways you weren’t expecting it. Thank you so much for sharing your heart with us and the great reminder about trusting. I know you’re going to rock this new position! Sierra Beautifully Candid

  • Reply Emily @ Martinis & Bikinis November 15, 2018 at 7:16 pm

    It really is heart-wrenching getting let go from a job/company that has become your second home! I’m not a crier but I balled my eyes out when I got laid off from my first “real” job. I immediately called my mom as I drove off and she had to tell me to pullover and stop the car until I calmed down. I’m SO happy for you finding a new job which seems perfect for you! Emily @ Martinis & Bikinis

  • Reply Bri @ My Life As... November 16, 2018 at 11:10 am

    Oh my goodness so many posts making me cry this morning! This is what I get for not really reading blogs for a week! I am so glad that you found something new that you are excited about!!

  • Reply Amy November 16, 2018 at 2:26 pm

    Dang… I had no idea you were going thru all of this! I have not been keeping up with any blog reading these days. So happy that you found the right fit. You know I have been there, it’s sooooo stressful! Can’t wait to see how it goes for you!! Congrats!

  • Reply Audrey November 18, 2018 at 5:59 pm

    I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU AND PROUD OF YOU!! (And I’m sorry I’m just now reading all this. Freakin’ life. Also, I 100% wondered where you were but figured all was ok since I saw ya on IG. But I’m so glad you’re back here!) I love that you have a new direction and your joy has returned and your support system (and faith!) have helped guide you to this new job! They are so lucky to have you!! I hope you’re enjoying yourself and discovering new things at this new place 🙂 Congrats, Nadine!!

  • Reply Always Brittany November 19, 2018 at 8:49 am

    Aw, I am so sorry you went through that but so thankful for the peace you received and this awesome opportunity that you have <3

  • Reply Emelia A Lawrence November 20, 2018 at 10:22 am

    Girl, I am so so so happy for you. I’m so sorry to hear that you were let go- happened to me before and I was shocked. It can be embarrassing and super scary for sure- but you kept on going and landed where you are supposed to be. I’ve taken jobs for less money and more happiness and it’s 100000% worth it. So over the moon happy for you and your new position!

  • Reply StephTheBookworm November 21, 2018 at 2:46 pm

    I’m so happy for you that you chose a job that will make YOU happy. Good for you!

  • Reply Heather November 30, 2018 at 9:46 am

    I’m so happy that you found and were offered a job you’re excited about! Thank you for sharing all of this, it’s always so scary/hard being let go during cuts that have nothing to do with you as a person. when I checked to see about your blog beginning of November? it was on maintenance and I never followed through with checking up, but I’m glad to see you blogging again! I like the idea of taking it down while you search for a job. Hope you had a great Thanksgiving!

  • Reply cara January 7, 2019 at 11:24 am

    First of all congratulations! Second of all, I clearly was living under a rock when this happened. Bloglovin is so stupid sometimes and never shows half the people I care about in my feed, so sorry I missed this! Now I realize that you also took your blog down for awhile, which could be why I didn’t see it initially. But I’m SO so happy for you that it worked out and you were able to decide on a job that makes you happier. Like you said, sometimes we have to have something so drastic in our lives to wake us up and realize it’s time for a change. Congrats again and excited to see what’s in store for you in 2019! xoxo

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